|
| so question... how can you tell a person that you love them, yet you
are ashamed of them. i want to show my "wonderful" guy off to the
world, yet his best friends dont even know we are together because hes
too ashamed to tell them. hes kept me hidden from most of them for the
past 4 months. how can you do that? he says when he leaves NIU hes
worried about me getting with some other guy.. uhh he should worry
because he cant make a fricken commitment to me. i would NEVER do
anything to hurt this kid. i love him with my whole heart, yet all my
heart does is get stomped on. i know im not perfect.. im far from
perfect, but im trying to fix mistakes i made in the past. sure he made
his mistakes too but... idk i feel really hurt and let down. he doesnt
trust me (and he should), and hes ashamed of me... he doesnt tell his
parents about me nor his friends. yes his friends and i have had our
issues but i talk to some of them and we have no issues... he says they
dont approve of us being together.. well if he never brings me around
they cant get to know me.... im NOT the same person i was a year and
1/2 ago. i grew up a hell of alot. i learned alot about myself and how
to manage a relationship thanks to a certian ex of mine. he taught me
alot about myself and what makes a good relationship. he taught me to
control my anger, and how to express myself. useing "i" statements
really works when you are talking to a person. it really helps
communicate what you are feeling and thinking. im glad my ex taught me
these things. they have worked well for me. idk what to do tho. i mean
do i stay or do i go? alot of myf riends tell me to go because they are
sick of seeing me upset and crying about him. i know im not perfect so
he shouldnt be perfect either. but do i deserve more than what im
getting????? i dont know anymore.. this is where my ex messed me
up..... yes he taught me alot about me and how to manage
relationships.. but i no longer know what is good for me. is tayed with
this ex after he physically and emotionally hurt me.. after he cheated
on me.. and for a while iw as ok with the fact he did that... because
of that now.. i dont know what is good for me.. and i wish i could
know.. yes i mean it took aaron alongt ime to get over me.. but im not
sure i deserve this...
| | |
|
I am an elementary education major with middle school minors
in english, science, and social studies. I enjoy reading weird obscure books
about peoples lives, My two kittens are named Ringo and Zoltan. I like random
music. I like main stream music but I really do like music that I consider to
be off the wall weird. I like random bits of nothing, the little things make me
the happiest. I am an avid hockey freak. I have two pond fish named ringo and
flea. I occasionally find myself staring into space and not thinking about
anything. Im happiest when Im laying in bed taking a nap. Im also happy when im
out with my wonderful friends and sisters. I am a sorority girl but that doesn’t
define who I am. I like to go out, party, and have a good time, but my studies
are important to me too. Im a dancing queen, and I know I suck at singing but I
love to do it anyways. Im independent, im a liberal. I once had a beta named Hitler
but desani water killed him. i have hard core opinions about things but I don’t
openly share them unless my beliefs are pressured. Some times I am high maintenance,
but shouldn’t all girls be that way. I like camping with my family. I had
another beta named Van Da Kamp that jumped out of his tank and killed himself. I
like getting wasted with my family. Fishing with my dad is a favorite past time
of mine. My brother and his wife are a bit like new aged hippies and I love it.
my nephews are the coolest kids. My brother and sis n law are amazing for naming
them Ulysses and Cassius. I once opened a box of kraft mac n cheese and it had
pill bugs, or rollie pollie bugs dead inside of it. my best friend is carissa
she was with me when this happened and we wrote a letter to kraft about it and
never heard anything back. I don’t like women in that way. I don’t like people
that fly planes into buildings. I don’t like people with egos bigger than my
ass. One time when we were younger I was with my best friend in her garage and
she peed herself. Another time when I was in 8th grade we went to
the mall of America and we flashed a highway and had some cops called on us. It
was great! I have family that lives in the south, and yes, when I get around
them, I do develop a southern drawl. Go ahead, call me a rednecks. I'll prolly
call you a yankee. which shocker upon shocker, IS a big damn deal in the South
;) However, I'm fully aware that the South lost the war, and I'm cool with that,
I wish other people from the south would realize this because im pretty sure
some of them still think we are fighting it. I'm a big ass kid. Put toys in
front of me that interest me, and its all over dude. I throw temper tantrums. I
don’t embarrass easily I enjoy doing random shit for shits and giggles. I went
to Canada once
for some French fries and gravy, it tasted like ass and the town smelled but it
was a good time anyways. I think
president bush is a moron—look at his bushisms. I am random!
| | |
| so after i blocked dave from about 4 of my sns and then from facebook.. i get this on AIM
BadradBrad1 (3:11:34 PM): you do this ever time, you say the same
things, yet you always come back, you did it at the beginning of the
semester, last year, and all throughout this month, please lets just
sit down and talk this out, it will be easy to do it now, you know im
the one, thats why you try to so hard to get away from me, you want to
party and do whatever, but that isnt how it works, and you can never
get away from me because you always let me back in, you always come for
me, how about those awful feelings you go the first time about a month
ago? thats a special connection that we have, you know you love
me, just please stop this before anything stupid happens
LBCbabidoll (3:11:47 PM): who the fuck is brad
LBCbabidoll (3:11:52 PM): and why wont you leave me alone
BadradBrad1 (3:11:54 PM): one of my friends
LBCbabidoll (3:12:02 PM): well thats fine ill block this too
BadradBrad1 (3:12:06 PM): because im trying to prevent stupid crap happening
LBCbabidoll (3:12:16 PM): yup you imming me is stupid crap
LBCbabidoll (3:12:20 PM): so leave me alone
BadradBrad1 (3:12:26 PM): no, you running is stupid
BadradBrad1 (3:12:33 PM): and not talking it out is stupid
BadradBrad1 (3:12:37 PM): because you will come back
BadradBrad1 (3:12:40 PM): you always have
LBCbabidoll (3:12:47 PM): im gonna calla nd talk to your dad about this shit because id ont know what to do with you anymore
BadradBrad1 (3:13:18 PM): you dont need to talk to him, you know what
to do with me, you are just really angry right now, so please calm down
BadradBrad1 (3:13:32 PM): lets talk it out, we can do this
LBCbabidoll (3:13:36 PM): NO LEAVE ME ALONE
LBCbabidoll (3:13:40 PM): and if you dont im calling him
BadradBrad1 (3:14:02 PM): calm down, please
BadradBrad1 (3:14:09 PM): this isnt worth it
LBCbabidoll (3:14:15 PM): then leave me alone
LBCbabidoll (3:14:18 PM): you have two options
LBCbabidoll (3:14:20 PM): you leave me alone
LBCbabidoll (3:14:23 PM): or i call your dad
BadradBrad1 (3:15:01 PM): no, i have many options, and so do you, so
calm down, you always try to calm me down when i get like this
BadradBrad1 (3:15:21 PM): and i always listen to you
LBCbabidoll (3:15:37 PM): STOP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE
LBCbabidoll (3:15:45 PM): id ont wanna have to file a restraining order against you
BadradBrad1 (3:15:50 PM): stop this
LBCbabidoll (3:15:52 PM): because thats gonna fucka lot of shit up
LBCbabidoll (3:15:55 PM): so just stop
BadradBrad1 (3:16:06 PM): like fuck what up?
LBCbabidoll (3:16:27 PM): youw ould have to be 500 feet away from me.. and considerieng we live about that far apart..
LBCbabidoll (3:16:34 PM): means that i cant walk by your place
BadradBrad1 (3:17:43 PM): then just stop this, you are just angry right
now, im trying to calm you down so we can talk through things, we have
always done that, thats what you wanted 2 weeks ago and we did it
LBCbabidoll (3:17:50 PM): THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE DAVE
LBCbabidoll (3:17:53 PM): stop being psycho
LBCbabidoll (3:17:56 PM): you are fucking crazy
BadradBrad1 (3:18:33 PM): i am fucking crazy, so are you, you just keep
on running and running and running, i just keep on clinging and
clinging and clinging, thats what i do, because i know what we have,
you run because you know what we have
LBCbabidoll (3:18:41 PM): ok im callin your dad
BadradBrad1 (3:18:52 PM): he is at the hospital right now
BadradBrad1 (3:18:55 PM): he wont get your call
LBCbabidoll (3:18:56 PM): ok thats fine
LBCbabidoll (3:18:59 PM): he can call me back
LBCbabidoll (3:19:11 PM): ill leave a voice mail
BadradBrad1 (3:19:12 PM): lets just talk this out, we dont need to do that
LBCbabidoll (3:19:19 PM): LEAVE ME ALONE
BadradBrad1 (3:19:27 PM): lets talk this out first
BadradBrad1 (3:19:31 PM): that solves nothing
LBCbabidoll (3:19:34 PM): and its ringing
BadradBrad1 (3:19:40 PM): then call him, fine
LBCbabidoll (3:20:04 PM): im a whore eh?
BadradBrad1 (3:20:04 PM): you cant ever deal with anything yourself,
you know how to deal with me, you are just to scared right now
BadradBrad1 (3:20:11 PM): yea well i was fucking pissed
LBCbabidoll (3:20:15 PM): FUCK OFF
BadradBrad1 (3:20:27 PM): like you havent said mean ass shit to me
BadradBrad1 (3:20:32 PM): when you were angry
LBCbabidoll (3:20:38 PM): and its saved incase i need to let the police hear it
BadradBrad1 (3:21:00 PM): mandi, you know how to deal with me
LBCbabidoll (3:21:31 PM): yup
LBCbabidoll (3:21:33 PM): and its to say bye
BadradBrad1 (3:21:36 PM): no
BadradBrad1 (3:21:46 PM): you know i will always fight for you
BadradBrad1 (3:21:58 PM): especially when you piss me off
LBCbabidoll (3:22:04 PM): bye
BadradBrad1 (3:22:08 PM): mandi wait
LBCbabidoll (3:22:12 PM): LEAVE ME ALONE
BadradBrad1 (3:22:14 PM): this solves nothing
LBCbabidoll (3:22:20 PM): yes it does
LBCbabidoll (3:22:22 PM): you are crazy
BadradBrad1 (3:22:25 PM): you are too
LBCbabidoll (3:22:30 PM): you thought carissa was razy when it came to kunla
BadradBrad1 (3:22:31 PM): you lie to me every day
LBCbabidoll (3:22:37 PM): youa re fucking WORSE than she EVER was
BadradBrad1 (3:22:47 PM): because you lead me on
BadradBrad1 (3:22:52 PM): so i work with what i get
LBCbabidoll (3:22:59 PM): well you aint getting shit
LBCbabidoll (3:23:00 PM): bye
BadradBrad1 (3:23:06 PM): hold on
BadradBrad1 (3:23:28 PM): if you talk this crap out with me
LBCbabidoll (3:23:29 PM): stop sending me text messages
LBCbabidoll (3:23:38 PM): i will send you a bill if i am over on my text messages
BadradBrad1 (3:23:48 PM): then i will maybe see the light and decide myself to leave you alone
BadradBrad1 (3:23:59 PM): if you anger me you know that will just get me more worked up
LBCbabidoll (3:24:15 PM): bye
BadradBrad1 (3:24:20 PM): no
LBCbabidoll (3:24:24 PM): yes
LBCbabidoll (3:24:25 PM): bye
BadradBrad1 (3:24:28 PM): you dont see this
BadradBrad1 (3:24:39 PM): i will just keep doing it to piss you off unless you talk to me
BadradBrad1 (3:24:54 PM): because then maybe i wont be so fucking pist and i will move on
LBCbabidoll (3:25:11 PM): its fine
LBCbabidoll (3:25:15 PM): ill just keep blocking you
LBCbabidoll (3:25:16 PM): bye
BadradBrad1 (3:25:23 PM): mandi make this easy on both of us
LBCbabidoll (3:25:28 PM): i am
BadradBrad1 (3:25:29 PM): especially for me
LBCbabidoll (3:25:29 PM): bye
BadradBrad1 (3:25:31 PM): i need it
| | |
| christmas to me is going to iowa, going to my grandparents house. in
the nursry room they always had everyones stockings hung up. grandma
year after year made stockings for all the grandkids. the only way you
didnt get a hand made grandma stocking is if you married into the
family. christmas eve was always spent with grandma in the
kitchen making food for the next day, helping her make chex mix, well i
didnt really help i just ate it, but i thought i was helping. we would
decorate the tree together and make sure everything was perfect for
when the rest of teh family would come over the next day. Grandma would
always tell me that she wrote santa a letter telling him i was going to
be there for christmas so i wouldnt have to worry because he knew where
i was. grandpa would always sit and tell stories from his chair
like he always did. he would tell my brother and i stories of his days
as a child. somehow every christmas i heard about his father died on
christmas eve and how my grandfather almost did too. im so thankful
that he didnt. i love that old man to death. and he would tell me about
how on christmas eve while seriving in ww2 he was picked out of
hundreds of soilders to have a special meeting with the pope. my
grandfather up untill that point was not a religious man. we would have
WGN on in the background because they always had the santa watch, when
santa finally hit the united states grandpa would send my brother and i
up to bed. my grandfather was not a very affectionate person but i
always got the best of him. i always got my goodnight hug and kiss from
him when i was there. the next morning when my brother and i woke
up we would run down stairs to see what santa left us, well there was
always something good, it had our names on it from santa but it was in
my grandmothers hand writing. i never really questioned it. after
seeing what we got we would run into the nursry and get our stockings
and look through them. when we were done there was always a doughnut
and a glass of chocolate milk waiting for us on table curtiousy of
grandpa. we would eat out food and wait for our other cousins to come
over and see what they got. eventaully we had to be hauled off up
stairs much to our dismay to get ready for church. after church
everyone came back to grandpa and grandmas (in later years when the
family got too big the senior citizens center, or tom and barbs place
or even george and virginas) anyways we would all eat lunch
toegther and the kids would play (far away from the adults because we
know they dont have the christmas spirit) then we would pass out all
the gifts and open them. if you are under 18 you get a present from all
the aunts and uncles. after pressent unwrapping the generation x
(exiled grandkids) that dont get to participate in the 18 and under
gift wrapping go and do their own thing..aka go to the bar. and
that was christmas to me
this year.. there is no nursry to get the stockings from, there is no
tree in the front room with presents from santa under, there is
no making chex mix with grandma, (ive been use to that for a while),
but most importantly on christmas eve there are no stories from grandpa
or no doughnuts waiting for me. there is no house that my grandfather
built with his own two hands to raise his children in. most of all
there is no grandpa. we are still doing christmas in iowa at george and
virginas place, but it just wont be the same with out him. i know all
of his grandkids ment something to him. but i always had a special
place in his heart. Jenny was the original and the favorite, michael
was the first and i was the spoiled :) he always called me his little
amanda bell on a bicycle, his mothers name was ella bell and he always
said he saw his mother in me.
my grandfather was a harsh old man, but he had his loving ways. somehow
i found my way into his heart. untill i started talking he didnt think
he needed hearing aids, but when i started talking and he couldnt hear
me he got upset and went and got them because "his granddaughter
was trying to talk to him and he couldnt hear me"
anyways enough mushing over this.. ill be fine in time.
| | |
| fun quotes from dave tonight...
~Phatdave86 (12:12:42 AM): mandi, one day you are going
to wake up, and you are going to realize everything that i
have told you about what you are doing is true, and its
going to be to late, you need to take advantage of whats
in front of you
LBCbabidoll (12:12:59 AM): and then ill go on
fuck im an idiot look what all he
did to me
Phatdave86 (12:13:23 AM): i made 2 big mistakes, sorry
LBCbabidoll (12:13:25 AM): he cheated on
me, he put his hands on my throat,
he would scream at me to get his
anger out.. ya thats the man i
wanna marry
~Phatdave86 (12:20:02 AM):
you have ruined me, you have brought me down so fucking low that i dont
even want to live anymore, you made me go broke, i went through my
money from this semester, i spent around $250 on you, and then you
leave me at the worst possible time, ohhh and i wonder what that
feeling meant sunday night when i did my duty, i wonder, maybe its our
connection, but you dont want to see that, you just want to see aaron,
and all of the money that he will be making after this semester
LBCbabidoll (12:20:26 AM): ya because im agold digger
Phatdave86 (12:20:33 AM): ive always known it
LBCbabidoll (12:20:33 AM): everything is baout money dave
Phatdave86 (12:20:42 AM): it is for you, i heard about justin
LBCbabidoll (12:20:47 AM): ya because i did date trailer kids
Phatdave86 (12:20:52 AM): and i heard about everything aaron bought you
Phatdave86 (12:21:01 AM): and look who you are back with?
LBCbabidoll (12:21:02 AM): ya do you know what i bought aaron?
LBCbabidoll (12:21:10 AM): do you know how much i spent on him?
Phatdave86 (12:21:14 AM): nope
LBCbabidoll (12:21:39 AM): 2003 autographed red wings jersey.. i payed 250-300 for...
LBCbabidoll (12:21:53 AM): x box... i think it was like 150
LBCbabidoll (12:22:03 AM): the remote for the x box.. about 30
LBCbabidoll (12:22:12 AM): um games for the x box.. around 200 again..
~Phatdave86 (1:18:11 AM): yea well its a little bit different
with me, considering im the second guy you have loved,
oh and you are going back to one, aaron, of course he
cheated on you, why wouldnt he deny it? why wouldnt
he go out and grab is friend that said he did and gone to
your dorm room and told you the truth? why wouldnt he
fight so hard to proove something that he supposedly
didnt do? because he did do it, and he doesnt have the
balls to tell you he did
LBCbabidoll (1:18:29 AM): bye dave
Phatdave86 (1:18:38 AM): you always say bye when im
right
LBCbabidoll (1:18:50 AM): no you are wrong
Phatdave86 (1:18:52 AM): noppe
~LBCbabidoll (1:20:53 AM): bye
Phatdave86 (1:20:57 AM): yup, im right
LBCbabidoll (1:20:57 AM): *block*
Phatdave86 (1:20:59 AM): bitch
Phatdave86 (1:21:03 AM): whore
Phatdave86 (1:21:05 AM): slut
then i blocked him and he proceeded to IM my different sns. wow he is
going crazy. why cant he just see that i dont want to be with him. i am
happier without him.
just thinking about getting back with him upsets the hell out of
me.. HELL thinking about talking tohim bothers the shit out of me. mark
this one down as holy shit what was i thinking. he stalked me before i
started datinghim and then i thought things would be ok. i should have
known. im sry for you all having to listen to my bullshit but oh ywell
if youd idnt wannar ead this you didnt have to.. so HA jokes on you. he
askedme to take down my previous post. i told him no i didnt have to. i
didnt call him any names and i didnt say anything more offensive than
what he told me.
on a good note.. i got A's in geol and Soci, i got a b in arte, and C's
in epfe and knpe.. the report card says i have a d in epfe but
blackboard says i have a 212 and the cut off for c/d is 200 so im
disputing that grade so i will have a 3.0 this sem. which means i need
a 3.2 to apply to the program after next semester because my current
cum. gpa is 2.93 :)
i had a great weekend with great friends. i leave saturday for
iowa, and then to minnesota for christmas. my sister n law is pregnant
and due jan 20, except she is on bed rest, which is doom for ulysses,
my 3 year old nephew, and to top it all off micheal (my brother)
threw out his back yesterday.. ohhh good. when the new baby is born, im
going to go up, not right away but a few weekends after, and visit them
and see the new baby, but most importantly, ulysses and i are gonna
have special times together, with the new baby coming he wont be
getting alot of the attetion anymore it will all be on the baby, and
well as the big brother he needs some attention and fun too. im sure
tom (his other grandpa) will do boy things with him as well. i have no
idea what img oingt o do with him. probably take him to the mall of
america and go to camp snoopy and ride on the rides there, and then go
eat ice cream for lunch instead of real food, and then idk what else
but tahts my idea, if he was older id take himt o a baseball game, but
hes only 3, but he does play t ball.. hummm maybe in a few years it
will be baseball time.. and then after that... its HOCKEY!!! haha ok
anyways enough with the idea of corrupting ulysses.
its night night time. BYEEEEEE
| | |
|
